|
Its the future?
Hello little soul, I am Mystic Sow. Tell me your
worries, and I'll tell you to piss off. Ask me what the future holds, and I
might tell you that. Anyway on to the horoscopes...................
July
| Aries |
Taurus |
| As Jupiter colides with Mars month you may find that small
children begin to annoy you, kill them. You'll feel better for it. |
Do they love you? You've been asking this question a lot recently
haven't you. Well the answer is no. You really ought to stop pissing your
life away with thoughts like this. |
| Gemini |
Cancer |
| Some one you know will buy a hammer. |
Ever thought about beastiality? Perhaps you should. It's time
to take the bull by the horns, so to speak. |
| Leo |
Virgo |
| Stay in bed this week. Come to think of it, I'll join you. |
Why are you reading this? You don't believe in all this shit
anyway. |
| Libra |
Scorpio |
| The stars tell me that you've been having problems of late.
We all have problems from time to time, fortunetly yours can be sorted out
by your local GUM clinic. |
Your feeling that your flatmates don't understand you is correct.
This is because neither C++ or HTML are spoken languages. |
| Sagittarius |
Capricorn |
| If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck its probably
your mother wanting you to tidy your room. Stale bread should make her go
away. |
What a pity you cant photograph your dreams. The porn industry
would pay milions to watch what you did to Jenifer last night. |
| Aquarius |
Pisces |
| If you wake up to find a seven foot bird standing over you,
it's probably time to stop doing drugs. |
No one cares what happens to you. |
August
| Aries |
Taurus |
| Everyone thinks you're a scrouge, but I know you're just poor, repeat after me "Big Issue". |
Santa never leaves you presents, but the dogs always do. Stop feeding them. |
| Gemini |
Cancer |
| Your children have been stealing from you. |
Who ate all the pies? You. It would appear you had the cream as well, fat bastard. |
| Leo |
Virgo |
| I asked the stars about you this month, but they just swore at me, lots. |
Last month was really bad for you, this month will be no better. Happy Birthday. |
| Libra |
Scorpio |
| Like the great big beasties of old, your breath stinks and no one likes you. |
Sadly your partner will leave you in the next few weeks, fortunately I'm free, so I'll be round for dinner. Mince and tatties will be fine. |
| Sagittarius |
Capricorn |
| Sagittarius, Sagittarius, Comes after scorpio, yes, thats always been your problem hasn't it. |
Buy some socks, for God's sake it's not like they're expensive. |
| Aquarius |
Pisces |
| If Christmas is a time for children and presents, then August is a time for adults and stealing. |
No one cares what happens to you. |
September
| Aries |
Taurus |
| You will see your life flash past you eyes shortly after uttering the phrase "hey watch this" |
The last word you hear today probably has some significant meaning, or maybe it doesn't, funny old game this mystery lark. |
| Gemini |
Cancer |
| You go longer without changing your toothbrush than changing the old in your car. SCARY!!!! |
Watch out for that virgo in your life, he's got a swift left foot. |
| Leo |
Virgo |
| Garlic is a wonderful way to ward of vampires, but it also works on normal people too. Perhaps you should brush more often. |
The stars fortell of a haemorrhoid with your name on it. |
| Libra |
Scorpio |
| Love is in the air, a mysterious stranger in a black cape will compliment you on your neck. |
I Don't know about you, but I'm really looking forward to christmas. Theres nothing quite like pepper spay and carol singers |
| Sagittarius |
Capricorn |
| That certain someone is hiding something from you, an adam's apple perhaps? |
I'm Complient Aprroved, are you? |
| Aquarius |
Pisces |
| You still here? I thought you where dead! |
No one cares what happens to you. |
You can also write to me for a personalised horoscope, but I'll just ignore you. Don't bother.
|
